The Bean is Back in Town

YAY! Lily is home! This past week was her spring break, and mine was last week (bad plan, huh?). Mom & Dad are in Portland, OR and so I had to send her to the inlaw's for the week. Ben brought her home about an hour ago...and I was SO glad to see her! It was nice having a week "off"...weird to think I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. I'm not sure I would like living like that all the time though.

Me, this week....I've been staying up until ungodly hours, watching too much tv, doing too much texting (LOL...HAHA). I went with Amanda to Tractor Supply and she bought 12 chickens and a duck. She made me promise that I would come visit the duck. Its a peking duck, and I really want one here but Stanley would eat it...or it would eat him :) I had good intentions to go to sleep at a reasonable hour last night, but that didn't happen. I layed down, and layed there and layed there and layed there..........then I finally got back up and got back online. I listened to Gavin DeGraw and browsed for cute men on myspace. Yes, I said I browsed for cute me on myspace. I actually sent emails to some of them too. Can you believe it? Well, I can't.

I love that my life is weird, messy, maybe complicated...totally crazy. But its also normal and wonderful, and I am super happy. I know some people that want to keep their life in a neat box, tied up with a pretty ribbon. I'm embracing the fact that life is life, and its usually pretty screwed up. I'm thankful I'm human, and not perfect...I can't even try to look perfect. I love me :) (and Bean and Sin Dog).

Beans & Germs

I have been at home for the past 2 days with a sick kid...while I have enjoyed not being in Dramaland, I don't think I'll make a very good lab grade this week.

I need to blog more. Its fun, although I'm sure no one reads it anymore.

Oh, does anyone know what Wubbzy is? Is he a cat? Or just a weird little dude?

Dear Ediots

Why is it that some people never respond when you say hi to them on facebook? I just don't get it...I've become "friends" with several people I went to high school with, and written on their walls...and I get nothing back. Why even ask to be my friend? I'm pretty sure that my profile isn't private, so they can look all they want at my pictures without being my "friend". It just really pisses me off!!!

Ok, I'm done with that rant...

Last night I went to the Turkey Banquet with Amanda (Nichole, and her family were there). It was a blast! Hot men, beer, BBQ, and country music. I thought I might meet some super-hot hunter, who would wisk me off in his truck...but getting to look at 100 + of them was satisfying. There is just so much crap that comes with a relationship and I guess I'm not ready for that. Well, on some levels I am :) I was going to take pictures, but the camera batteries were dead.

I need to blog more often...its therapeutic.

(editor's note: I know I spelled idiot wrong, but it was probably one of those people who won't write me back that left the note on my desk in 3rd grade that began; "dear ediot"...yeah, I'm the idiot!)

Ugg

I have to go to a parent/teacher conference today...and sit there while Lily's teacher tells me that Lily doesn't pay attention in class, that she doesn't follow along when the class is reading out loud, that she talks WAY too much. I am trying to psych myself up for it, but I know its gonna piss me off. I have this idea that her teacher just doesn't like her. She didn't have any trouble last year, and I don't think she's changed that much over the summer (to make her suddenly unruly, and wild). I even dreamed about it last night! And I feel exhausted now...a whole night of dreaming about sitting there with her teacher, listening to her rail on my kid.
All this, while Ben just breezes through his day and works, and plays, and goes out. I bet the man will NEVER sit through a parent/teacher conference! Its so hard not to be a hater :)

Mission Impossible?

My friend Amanda is on a mission...to find me a man! So far, she's taken me camping - where I met a whole bunch of men, I've met one of her ex's, and am in the process of being set up with yet another guy. I've already been through the woods on the back of Lance's 4 wheeler, and now I think I'm in for even more wild stuff! Now, I know that 4 wheeler riding isn't exactly wild, but for me its a journey into uncharted territory.
The match with Lance backfired...turns out the boy just wants to have fun (not that I insinuated otherwise). Her ex...well, he's her EX. This new guy...Kevin...never talked to him, seen him, I have heard of him though (I think he went to high school with Ben). Via text messaging (I think) Amanda has "pitched" me to Kevin. So, now I wait...to see what will happen with this latest love match (can you hear my sarcasm?). Life is never dull ;)

First Day of First Grade

My tiny kid is growing up!

I'm Suzy Home-maker

I made this tomato sauce on Saturday...all by myself! I don't have any picture of the finished product yet, but I got 11 pints, and its YUMMY.

This is FUNNY

I got this in an email from my Dad. I'm not into discussing who I'm voting for, etc...but I just thought this was funny. Probably b/c I'm part Irish, and I like beer.


An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States...a
point to ponder despite
your political affiliation:


'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even
bothering to hold an election in the United States
On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a
lawyer who cant keep his pants on, who just lost a long and
heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church
who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like
the country her husband wants to run.
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose
name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a
good looking younger woman who owns a
beer distributorship.

What, in Lords name, are you lads thinking over there in the
colonies??

A Day in the Life

my kid is driving me CRRRAAAAZZZZYYYYYY!!!!!!
She's hungry, wants chips, says I don't care if she's hungry or not...if I would get her some food I'd be the best mom in the world. I know this makes it sound like I don't feed my kid, but I do. This morning she had 3 pieces of blueberry bread, a bowl of mandarin oranges and fuji apples, and a piece of banana bread. Its not even NOON yet!!! I just don't want her to eat chips for lunch.
So, I better go and find something good for lunch...I think we'll have hot dogs.

Yes, I'm still talking about this

On Saturday, my parents decided to head to their fav vacation spot: Townsend, TN. They come up here all the time, and sometimes Lily and I join them. We are here now...not all together though. That is the problem. One of the main attractions here is tubing down the Little River, and apparently it takes hours to float from point A to point B (they're still not back yet). Lily really wanted to go tubing today, and I did too...I was actually excited about it until I put my swimsuit on. Something snapped in my brain, at the thought of parading around in front of (in my mind, hundreds of hot) strangers nearly naked. I got upset, and actually cried because I was embarrassed. I guess I had one of those "aha moments" that you read about in People Magazine's annual "Together, These Women Lost Over 400lbs" issue. They say, "I couldn't fit in the roller coaster seat", or something like that. I can fit in roller coaster seats, and am not (as Mom said) "as fat as some people" (thanks mom!)...but I was freaking out about being in public in my Miracle Suit. So, I didn't go. Oh well, maybe next year Lily.

The Still Unclaimed Father's Day Gift

'nuf said

Summertime....and the livin' isn't always easy

This has been (so far) one of the greatest summers of my life. I know its only June 20th, but I feel certain its only going to get better. Lily and I have really become buddies...I know that sounds weird, but I appreciate her so much more now. I am so thankful that I have her!
I read other blogs, where people have a lot to "report" and talk about...I don't really have very much going on. I decided recently that I was going to go blond. I was at church, looking at a mother and daughter (who used to be my neighbors, btw), and their hair is the same color! I don't know if that made me decide, or if I just needed a change...but I decided right then and there that I was going to go blond. Now, I'm not totally blond yet, or even half way blond. It takes time, you can't just bleach your whole head! Well, you can, but that's dangerous (not to mention, terrible for your hair). My friend I put a cap on my head, pulled out a bunch and threw some bleach on it. It is very pretty, and I think I'm going to enjoy being a blond! Plus, now Lily won't look adopted! hehe
I also got a puppy, who's actually a teenage doggie now. His name is Stanley (stupid Stanley Stephens), and I wuv hims. I even made him some chicken this morning! Talk about crazy...I guess I'm a "dog person" now. Stanley loves us and we love him. My parents even love him (although Mom would never admit it).
But there is a dark cloud hovering over my perfect summer...and its name is Ben Stephens. He just decided to stop being a dad. Twice Lily has said things to me like, "I don't feel like I have a dad...all my friends have dad's, except me". I even told Ben this...I struggled with that decision too, thinking that he would not believe me. Well, I told him and stupid me thought it would make him change. Not so. He said he "wanted to"...but wanting to and doing it are different. So, we didn't see him on Father's Day, and he spent his off day yesterday sleeping and taking his neighbor's 4 wheeler to the shop. He wanted to talk to Lily when he called yesterday, but she said "no, I don't want to talk to him". I totally lost it last night (while she was at VBS), and could stop crying. I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably or anything like that...but I just kept starting up, over and over. I just felt lonely, and distraught over Ben's behavior, and I sure didn't want to put all that on my 5 year old! So, I haven't talked to anyone (except one friend, who has enough problems without hearing mine) about this. Ya'll know I don't like conflict, so I think that's why I blog. I don't have to get opinions, or hear solutions, etc. And whoever said that bloggers aren't honest is wrong! :) I can be more honest on here than face to face...talking about this with friends makes me cry. I still feel lonely, but not as agonizingly lonely as I felt last night.

Anywaaaaaay...

I am going to go home and get ready to pick Lily up from our church's VBS (she's been going to our's in the am and my Mom's in the pm). The big dilemma is which ending party are we going to? Theirs offers horseback riding, campfire, and a hayride; ours is snacks, singing, and probably nothing as fun as theirs. I don't know what to do??? I feel like we should go to ours, b/c its our church...but Lily really wants to go to theirs. And I think my parents want her to go to theirs too...sigh
I can't get the text back to normal! I guess blond really does suit me ;)

Why does it have be this way?

Why is it, when people get divorced, they can't get past their "history" and just do what's in the best interest of the child(ren) involved??? Is this the million dollar question, or what?!

Ben came to pick up Lily tonight...last night we "discussed" my wishes that she be home each Sunday to go to church. I guess we decided that she'll go to his house every Friday night and come home on Saturday. When I first said that I wanted her home for church, he got mad and said, "its in the papers that she's to stay with me until 6pm on Sunday nights [the oh-holy-papers DO say that, but they don't say she has to go every other weekend; only that if reasonable arrangements can't be agreed upon, she will be with him "at least" every other weekend]. What I still can't get over is that he actually had the gall - after being unemployed for nearly 3 months and being 3 child support payments behind - to bring up the papers. In all this time, I haven't once said to him, "Ben, you know it says in the papers that you're supposed to carry insurance on Lily" or "Ben, the papers say that you're supposed to pay me support". I haven't even brought up the damn papers. Yes, I have taken every (single) opportunity to make him feel bad about quitting his job (he still says he had no choice, but no one put a gun to his head and made him quit); but I have never - not ONCE - ever mentioned the possible legal ramifications of him quitting his job.
So, I called him back last night and asked him - nicely - why he was so quick to bring up the papers. He wouldn't talk about it. So I told him we'd talk about it today; and we did. He didn't like that either, and to make a already too long story short said that he was going to make sure my child support would go through the state so I would only get the bare minimum. Nice huh? I am so mad right now that I can't really even think straight.
I really hate him. God help me, I know I'm not supposed to hate him, but I can't help it right now...so cut me some slack.

Have I Finally Learned???

Lately, I have been let down a lot. I guess I should say in the past year I've been let down a lot. And it doesn't seem to be letting up.
Mostly, its Ben these days. He quit his job, right after Xmas...that's a dumb thing to do when your ordered by the court to carry insurance on your kid. What's up with fathers these days? Its seems like the vast majority of them don't want to actually BE fathers. Ok, I shouldn't say the majority, but I know several that should be drug out in the street and shot. How does one come to the conclusion that they are not going to support one's child? Or how does a person think its ok to quit a job, when they have financial obligations, without having another job lined up first? And then comes the lying about money...does he really not have the cash, or is he just turning into a big, fat, LOSER?
For some reason, this is not helping me feel better or answering any of my questions.

SIGH

I made a resolution last Thursday [after I nearly had a mental breakdown]: I am not going to be Ben's friend anymore. Why would I want to be his friend in the first place; you ask? Well, I thought it would be a good thing for me and him to be friends, "for Lily's sake". WRONG. Being friends with your ex-husband allows him to continue to take advantage of you...he's gonna keep on lying to you, just like he did when you were married. Friends will let things slide that non-friends wouldn't. Also, friends lie to each other. I have no reason to lie to Ben...there's no need for me to fudge on how much money I make, or what my bills are. No reason to say I'll be available, when I won't be. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose, just to piss me off. But then I think, "no, he's just unbelievably selfish". And for some reason, I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that he is never going to stop letting me down. He's never going to step up and be a man, or ever act like a real dad should. He's going to live his life never changing, never growing, and continually losing the people that he loves b/c of his selfishness. But I'm serious this time. I think I finally get it; I'm better off without him, and he'll never live up to my expectations (which, BTW are NOT unreasonably high). Let this be a lesson to other women in my shoes...they're NEVER going to change. Once a lying, cheating, absentee father; always a lying, cheating, absentee father. And all you can do is the best you can with your kid, and continue to question and beat yourself up wondering WHY did I marry him? But I can say without a doubt, that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat to have Lily. I guess that's the pearl in this oyster, that is single parenting.

Hmmm...

Well, I haven't blogged in a while...I've been busy with school, making sure we get places on time, studying, cooking, and other single parent duties. For a long time I was under the impression that Ben and I were friends, that we were both working towards the same goal of being good parents to Lily. Boy, was I wrong. About a month ago, he quit his job as a retail manager...just up and quit. He was the insurance provider for Lily too. Since then, she's been sick, and I've had to practically twist his arm to get him to take her to the doctor. I would have taken her myself, but my financial aid is directly tied to how many hours I have at school (if I miss 9% of my current hours, I lose my fin aid), and since he wasn't working I figured he could be a good dad and take her for me. He did, that one time; but since then she's needed to go again and he refused. He is a terrible, selfish person. I no longer want to be his friend...I can't even stand to talk to him. I never knew that I could feel such strong dislike for him. Now, I know we're divorced and I'm not supposed to like him...but I never even imagined he would turn out to be one of those Lifetime Network movie dads.

Ok, enough of that...

I love school! I've learned a lot about hair color, and perms; but I can't wait for cutting class. We will have one the 2nd week of March. Then I will be able to take clients at school. I am looking forward to that too. Most of the girls are great, there are only a couple that I don't get along with; and they don't even show up to class half the time. I've made some great new friends, and even though they're mostly younger than me I really have fun with them.

I'm also looking forward to doing my taxes, although I'm worried about having to pay. A previous employer didn't withhold any Federal taxes, even though I asked that they be withheld...so I'm worried about that. I'm certainly not in a position to owe the government money.

Jason drunk-dialed me a while back...he didn't say anything, but I knew it was him. The last time I was at his house, he was listening to Bob Marley. When this "mystery" person called, No Woman No Cry was blaring in the background. Shit, at least have the presence of mind to turn the music down when you drunk-dial someone! Just reinforces his moronic status in my mind. Hehehehe...it is funny though.

I vow to try to blog more often...even though I don't have anything interesting to talk about.

Santa IS Real

How can a parent convince their kid that Santa is fake when they can go sit in his lap???

See Haley, I knew she would forget that you told her Santa isn't real :)

[ just wait til you have kids ]

A Blog About Nothing

Should I change my name to Jerry? I've realized lately that I don't blog about anything important...or even anything that people want to read. I read some blogs where the author may as well list what all they did that day by bullets, or make an outline. I always said I didn't want my blog to be like that. So I've tried to make it interesting, funny. I want to say things in my blog that I would really say, in real life. Not a bunch of fluff that no one would believe. Like how happy I am, and how easy my life is. I'm not always happy, not even every day...and my life is anything but easy.

Tonight is the "Grand Illumination" in Chattanooga. I think the last time I went to that was right before I found out I was pregnant with Lily...so that was a while ago. This is Ben's weekend, and so I assumed that he would be picking her up today before we leave for Chattanooga. Well, I called to ask him when he would be here and mentioned the Grand Illumination tonight. He invited himself to come. I don't mind him coming, we do lots of things as a "family" (me, him, and Lily), but I think its weird that he just assumed he was coming. I'm actually glad he's coming. I hate the idea of the holidays...getting out the decorations we picked out, putting them on the tree we bought, having to share Lily on Christmas. It somehow makes it easier for my mind to handle if I know that he's willing to spend time with us. But why should I care if he spends time with us? I should be concerned about him spending time with Lily. But for some reason, I have it in my head that he should meet a quota of "family" activities: me, him, and Lily...together. I wonder if this time of year is hard on him too...I can't even think about putting up the tree without picturing us in our great room having hot cocoa or a glass of wine, admiring the tree we just decorated after Lily went to bed. I've never said that before...this is a first for me. I think that one day I'll get over that...and stop remembering.
Well, this blog has gone to that uncomfortable place that people don't want to know about. But I'm proud of this post because its real. These are all real things that I would say. I recently read that people should have a diary, not a blog...because you can't be honest on a blog. You wouldn't want to bare your soul online, even for people you know to read. I agree that you don't want to be honest on a blog...why would you want all your friends to know how you really feel? Its easier to just let them think that your life is perfect, and you are happy and blessed, blah blah blah. I am happy and blessed, but I don't always feel that way. But just as I think that people don't always want to hear about how "perfect" my life is, they don't want to be overloaded with how imperfect it is. So, maybe next time I'll have some "perfect" material.

Some Things Suck

The subject matter might belie the title of this post...but I'll get around to how things suck. Yesterday afternoon, I logged onto myspace. This is not something I do very often, I really only set up a MS page to look at Stephen McCloud's pictures. But anyway, I logged on and saw that I had a message. I figured it was from Stephen - he's the only one that sends me myspace emails - but it wasn't. The subject line of this email was "Jeremy from 1999". While the computer was opening the message, I was mentally going through all the guys I've known (and remembered), I was hoping it wasn't the Jeremy that used to live down the street from me. I can't imagine he's very good looking these days (picture the guy that lives in his parents' basement...that's a Trekkie). Well...there staring back at me was the face of a Jeremy I haven't seen in 7 years. The Jeremy that I worked at Ingles with, who was - and is - painfully hot, but not in that conceited way. Down to earth, nice, shy, and HOT. So, ok...I've got this email here from this Jeremy, oh my. The first line of the email goes something like this, "Wow, I hope you remember me, I've been looking for you for like....seven years." Oh shit...that's right...the last time I saw him was in the doorway of mine and Ben's first apartment. He lived in the same complex as me, and saw me carrying in laundry that night. We talked, and then a few minutes later he's knocking on my door. Needless to say, he was shocked to find Ben there and he didn't even really get in the door before he excused himself. [Now, be patient...I'm getting to the sucking part] I was so shocked to hear from him, and find him just as HOT as he was 7 years ago...I got a bad case of the giggles, and kept saying, "I just can't believe this!!!"
The reason this situation sucks so bad is this: he hasn't seen me in 7 years. Ya'll know I don't look like I did the last time he saw me. I am blown away by the potention in this situation: for all kinds of things (love, a reason to get on the treadmill, even a really good new friend); but good grief, he can't see me like this!!! So, I've made a decision that I'm going to do something about it. I want to see him, and I kinda want to know what it would be like to kiss him...cause I've always wanted to. For seven years. Not consciously, but now that its dangling before my face like a carrot on a string, I remember that I'd always wanted to 7 years ago. Even that night at my apartment, in the stairwell. And that makes me wonder...if he had, what would have happened? Where would I be now? That's why some things suck, because you can't turn off your brain...and you can't make it stop.
Something else that really sucks is: when the guy upstairs takes a shower, the "runoff" bubbles up in my kitchen sink. I have had Ray ass-water in my sink!!!!! Gross...

Musings Of a "Stay @ Home" Mom

The other day, I was at work and I heard the DJ talking about Sugarland's new video for "Stay"...she was saying that Jennifer Nettles should win an award for the video. Well, I've been watching GAC for days (because we all know CMT doesn't play music videos anymore), trying to see that video. So, I've been wearing out GAC, waiting for "Stay"...well, I just saw it. And it freakin' broke my heart. I heard JN got a divorce. She's either really good at making herself cry, or her ex is a cheating bastard. I'm voting for option #2. [men suck]

I went to Covenant today, to have lunch with Carla. It was good to see all my old co-workers, but its hard to believe I ever worked there, and liked it. Management is laying off people left and right. Yesterday, they laid off the Sales Analyst Manager. I mean, WHY??? Its obvious, if you read the business section, or check the stock prices of Covenant...I've heard rumors they're going private again, and it looks like Parker's running the stock prices into the ground in order to buy out shareholders real cheap. Shit, I'll probably get sued for writing this...oh well...at least I'm not on company time!
So, today - I'm proud to say - I dressed up in a decent fashion, fixed my hair, and actually [hold onto your seats folks] put on MAKEUP !!! Yey me!!! Well, I planned my lunch with Carla so that it would fall on the day of Lily's Fall Festival. This way, I don't have to haul my butt out of bed at noon and MAKE myself get dressed and made up to go watch her play on inflatable toys (unlimited rides for ONLY $12). I am excited about this festival, and to tell the truth I am hoping I'll meet some hunky single Dad. Hehehe...sounds just like the plot-line of a Mary Kay Andrews book to me.
By the way, her books are AWESOME!!! Hissy Fit should be made into a movie, and I think that Julia Roberts should star as Keeley. Let's see, who could be Will??? Gotta be hot, free-spirited and real. Not anyone like Brad Pitt. Her philandering fiance could be Ben Affleck: he's got the right look to pull off the role as a member of one Madison GA's untouchable families (not in the mobster way, in the small town politics way-they can get away with anything because of who their daddy is and who their granddaddy was).
Will would need to be someone heroic...cause he's got to ride into town in his yellow Caddy and literally save Keeley (not her life, but her reputation-sort of). So he should be someone like, um...totally STUMPED. Somebody read the book and suggest someone. If you're into reading, you could easily read it in a day. So, make a Saturday of it.
Well, I have 25 minutes until works starts (and I'm not talking about the paying kind, ya'll). I need to get psyched up for this Festival. Sheesh, I'm going to be spending my hard earned box painting money on inflatable rides and face paint. Oh well...... some people aren't so lucky. :)

The Song of My Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uISuvTiTYJA

You parents out there will totally LOVE and appreciate this...and for those of you that aren't, this is what you have to look forward to.